Spiritual authority… Say what?!

The Webster states – Authority:
1. The power or right to give orders, make decisions, and enforce obedience.
“he had absolute authority over his subordinates”
Lately I have been so deflated! Not defeated mind  you, as my heart and mind I feel are walking in the fullness of Joy most of the time. but just flat-out deflated. A balloon that has had tiny little pin pricks poked at it and slowly with each assault has left it unable to maintain its bouncy excited self. Little by little, it loses it’s ability until it is laying down in the dirt, a pathetic soggy mess. Yep that is me lately, absolutely EXHAUSTED. I have been sick for months.  One illness or another from my preschool has hit me on top of chronic battles and  I am left not feeling very light and airy!
I start my week looking at all I want to do and immediately the doubts start coming in. I better start conserving my energy for the week. I better not do that or plan that because I don’t want to have to cancel. Even though there is wisdom in not doing too much, I already start off with a failure mindset.
I would wake up sore and sick, everything remaining the same. It was a pin prick, and I would ask the Lord, “GOD why is this season so hard?”
I was driving to work this week and there was a speaker on the radio that mentioned the word’s spiritual authority. I didn’t have time to listen to the message but the words hit me like cold water to the face. I have been in the church most of my life and have learned about our authority. But the word that stuck out to me was SPIRITUAL authority.
Matthew 16:15-19
Selah (let that sink in)
I have GIVEN you the Kingdom!
He said to me…Spiritual authority, say what?! What are you saying lately?  Who are you saying that I am?  WHAT are you doing lately? Why have you become so deflated in the midst of your battles? Where is your armor? (Ephesians 6:10-20)  I have GIVEN you the Kingdom!
I have become so distracted by trying to stay afloat, that I don’t practice keeping my spiritual man strengthened the same way I do when I am not working, or involved in so much. I mean; I pray, listen to worship music, read a verse a day. But actually PRESSING in, spending time letting the Holy Spirit minister to my soul, developing my spirit man into the warrior that He is, letting the gifting pour out of me and say I AM WELL, IT IS WELL, HE MAKES ME WELL!!! I have been rolling up in a ball overnight eating comfort food and watching television. I mean seriously that is NOT how I am going to strengthen my spirit man for the battle in front of me.
Keeping the struggles in their place, and letting God take up the throne in my life that is His, is the only way to victory. Sure things happen, sure my body struggled that day, BUT GOD, He makes me whole and He always always always, did I say always, ALWAYS meets me when I get off the ground and let Him pour into my soul.
It is SPIRITUAL my friends. The battle is in the spirit, not my mind, not my might but by His power of His spirit.
The sad thing is, I know over the years I have written on this very topic. All the pain, illnesses, stressors, still pick and poke at me and I get so blurred by it all that I get deflated and dragged down and have to learn this lesson ALL over again!  He tells me to rest and then I just get lazy! Flat out Lazy !
With each revelation and taking action with said revelation, He gives me an even stronger understanding of His spirit. The spirit of God operates and moves in me and then pours out on those around me. When I am in the battle, it effects more than just myself. I get so wrapped up in the me, I forget that I have a call, a purpose, a mission to spread my Jesus love to others and lift their heart in their sorrows.
My spirit has been made weak in my distraction leading to disobedience. Worship is my key, and I am asking the Lord, make me stronger and give me new songs, a new energy and zeal for this season!
I see it now, the soothing salve, covering every pin prick…. each hole sealed. The spirit of the Lord filling and filling. I will rise, I will conquer, I will STAND and…float again with His strength and assurances. I have authority over my mind and allowing these pin pricks to deflate me!!! He grants me the authority!

The wind blows

I was driving home today after a very rough few weeks. I hurt so much some days and every virus under the sun is back in full swing in the classroom. I have new kiddo’s this season and they are YOUNG three-year olds, so this means much more of my energy is being used physically as they learn the classroom and need assistance.

I was fatigued as I drove along, but ahead of me I saw a display of clouds that the sun was hitting. At first it was just clouds, but as I saw the wind blowing them, there appeared very distinctive images. The first was a bunny that was followed by a bear. This drew my attention. The sun was hitting just right to highlight each picture that was before me. The final picture was a child’s face and a perfect angel, giving a kiss. I  kid you not! These were perfect, clear pictures in the clouds. If I wasn’t driving I would have taken pictures!!

Then it hit me. In the beginning there was nothing, then each image became more and more detailed as the wind blew. Giving a hear lifting moment as I saw that angel kiss.

The winds blow in our life, it is hard when we are walking against those winds. We are being blown to and fro. But there is a perfect work being done in us!

As tough as my work may be, each day I grow closer and closer to my students. I see areas that I can help them become more independent and I can take those challenging days and turn them into something beautiful. My creativity flows from their energy and interests and sometimes the winds blowing, are exactly what I need to be blown into the right direction.

Trials and struggles in our life can be used to put us in the right position. To grow stronger as we withstand those winds blowing.

A scripture given to me today that ties in perfectly! How amazing is He!?!

Philippians 1:6

And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.

He will use those winds that blow, just as He lifts the wings of His eagles and supports them, carrying them where they need to be. He will complete the work he has begun in me! Placing me just where I need to be. Yes Lord! I am ready!!!

Take that step!!

Holding onto the newly turned one year old’s hand, he was taking strong and steady steps.
I would work with him for a while as he would smile boldly and take step after step around the room. I would begin to loosen my grip and his smile would fade. His sights on what he was heading towards with excitement, had shifted and he was looking for anything to hold onto and instead of his brilliant smile, there was a look of fear. He had the ability, he had the strength, he had the interest, yet he still would not take those steps. He would sit down without my hand, over and over. He could do it, but he didn’t want to fall, so he would not try anymore, the many tumbles still fresh in his mind.

How many times do I see in my sites the very thing I desire, the very thing I am dreaming of and yet I sit? I don’t want to fall, I don’t want to be hurt and I don’t want to fail again.

I feel the nudging and the encouragement that I am ready,  I see it within my grasp, but so many times I have stumbled and been left bruised and hurting.  When will I let go of my false sense of security that is actually holding me back in the long run?

The toddler trying to walk with my hands, could only go so far as I would let him. He could not walk without my say so and if I was doing something else that day, he would have to just wait. Soon he will learn the great pleasure that walking with bold confidence will bring him.

Oh the amazing sense of joy that comes from taking those first steps into the beautiful things that the Lord has lay ahead for us. No matter what has led us to this place, we can boldly step forward and face head on the things that weight us down and hold us back. With the knowledge that the Lord gave us all that we needed to succeed. We learned to crawl, we built our muscles, we held on while we learned and now it is time to step ahead. Open up our hands freely and run to the very thing that we had been training for.

Go ahead my sweet friend, take the step. I know you can do it!!!

Knowing when to rest

One of the hardest things for me while balancing fibromyalgia, working full-time, church and my family, is how much is just flat-out tired and how much could be depression.

For years I have blogged, taken medication, exercised, worship & danced, painted and photographed away the ‘blues’. But in this season with work and medical changes, I am doing less and less of those things and see that there is less and less energy for the things that brought rest from stress.

I love my job, I find it very inspiring and joyful to work daily with my preschool kids. But I must find a good balance to manage everything. I have decided to take on even more with obeying the Lord’s call to carrying my friends baby/babies and I wonder, God really, can I do this?
This is when God spoke to me this morning and said, “no, you are not limited or depressed, you are tired. You must know when to stop and rest your body and lean on me for strength.”

If I am working full-time, there is not necessarily the energy to run all weekend every weekend and right now that is my reality. I have been running and pushing far too much for far too long.

Also during the week, I can not reach for the quick and easy bite on my lunch break going to the nearest fast food joint. This makes me ill and fibromyalgia flares. I must take time and plan out my meals, do the shopping in one stop and put together those meals, for a better week. I often fuel on coffee and skip the water, so bad for me. I can be consistent with supplements and then forget them for a season until I can’t go anymore because I am deficient in critical vitamins and minerals. I must make the effort to take care of me. Again, this takes time and energy but in the long run will give my body what it needs to encourage health.

When one battles with fibromyalgia, there comes a point when your pain becomes your normal. You just keep pushing through it, knowing the pain itself will not kill you. It isn’t until you keep pushing and can hardly move anymore, that you realize, oh no I did too much. It is a fine balance between living and recovering.

It is time to remember the instruction to REST. The Lord God almighty himself RESTED.
Why do I feel I must do it all. I must make the decision, work full-time which I love, or bring down my hours for more time to keep up with it all and pursue other interests.

In the meantime of pondering this decision. I say yes Lord, I will hear you and I will take the time to REST.

Their dream…not mine

When I first held my tiny newborn, so much stirred within. The biggest feeling that would tend to overwhelm, would be my hope in his future.
As I held him close and prayed over each step that he would one day take, my dream formed in my head.

When his talents began to emerge, again, I would dream about how he would influence the kingdom. I had it all pictured and mapped out, he would go into the mission field and minister to the weary. He would go to college, lead worship before a church and find a good girl by time he was 20, who loved Jesus. Grand babies would be on the way before I knew it.

Then as the years passed by, his adult world began to settle into his own rhythm. I learned how much he had struggled with depression and anxiety and that it would greatly influence his music. The songs that he would write, were not the kind to be brought to a worship service and seemed so dark and heavy. I can’t count how many times that I mentioned, lighten them up for better listening, or,  give hope within them to reach the lost. On and on the motherly advice would go and he would sincerely listen, nod his head and continue to write.

We had many days of playing and singing together. We would write song after song, and I would watch his talent grow.

The days no longer look the same, he has stepped into his own creativity and rarely do I hear, “hey mom, help me with this!”

I know that distancing himself is healthy, but when I saw him distance himself from the church I grieved. He continually told me he didn’t feel he fit the mold to be on a team. He has of lately not even going with us anymore to our church and I see lifestyle choices far different from mine.

For a moment, I began to fear and my heart would hurt over what was to be his future and then like a ton of bricks, I realized that I had raised him. He is a child of God and the Lord has a call on his life. It may look very differently that what I had dreamed and lived out for him. He has his own journey to take. I can look at him with great pride and say, he is mine and I am grateful.

What kind of parent would I be, if I didn’t let my son, discover his own future and world.

Then there is the clarity that comes;  I don’t always completely understand, but with a glimpse the Lord will allow me to see tidbits of the work He is doing.

Do you know, those dark and crazy songs have reached the heart of many!

Do you know that his dream doesn’t ‘fit’ because his dream and call is unique!

Thank the Lord I am slowly learning, their dream, not mine.

God have your way and forgive me as I now intrust my son to you for real, and step back and watch your mighty work.

The joy of parenting is watching them spread their wings and prepare to take flight. I never realized how hard it was going to be when those wings began lifting off.

Thank you Lord for new clarity.

 

1 Peter 5:7
Give all your worries and cares to God, for He cares about you.

 

 

He calls the weak to the mighty

I was so blessed today when I got the text that my friends are able to move forward with their end of our surrogate journey. I know God called me, too much has lined up so perfectly for it not to be so. Yet my emotions rose on high with joy and excitement and then the enemy was right there to slam me with the low. Fears coming in and doubts of my own ability to see my end soundly through. What if my body lets them down? On and on the thoughts tried to rise up.

Honestly, with each doubt, the Lord was right there. The enemy said, “what if you have a hormone issue.” God said, ” Well, estrogen will fix this issue.”
The enemy said, “you are ill.” God said, ” I am your healer. I have used much less to do even greater.” On and on the Lord’s encouragement continued, followed by a boldness I have never known.

Even though the enemy throws daggers; over the years and through the depression I have learned that just because the enemy says it, does not mean that it becomes my truth. It does not matter if the perspective looks impossible, I serve a God of the possible. He is my strength and my shield.

God has a child/children that are to be born!  This journey is an amazing example of what truly laying our own lives down for His purpose looks like. The beauty that will unfold will leave me in awe and wonder.

Yes, Lord, I will. Not because I am anything special, in reality I am know that I am not, but because of who I know YOU to be and who I am because you are within me. I am a mighty warrior, that will be holding arrows within me that will move forth in your time to do great and mighty things. I will look back one day and say, “God, you made me able, not my own strength and I will never be the same.

This is a long road ahead. We will be fundraising and preparing both of our bodies. There are lawyers and tests and more tests. But I say yes Lord, continue to do miracles. We have seen SO many already !!!

When I am hormonal and need extra joy, I have a whole history of my joy journey already documented here…. I can read and read and read and see what the Lord ALREADY has done. I see that He is good and I want more. Thank you Lord for calling me, the weak, and making me strong!

YES I will! Lord use me

My parents had dealt with fertility issues after I was born. I saw them hurt and ache for more children. My father was my daddy from day one, but he had no biological children of his own and he hungered for that! He never ever made me feel less, just that he wanted more. I saw them look into private adoption ( it was more affordable) Only to have the leads fall through. I saw mom cry after every fertility appointment.  They loved on other people’s children over the years but I was their only one.  I wonder how things could have been different if they had been able to do a surrogate.

Not long after my own pregnancy journeys came to an end, I began thinking about the gift of being a surrogate. I wanted to be a vessel but had no direction or inkling on when or how. I knew that with my faith I had my own restrictions on what was acceptable for me personally in the process. I had no push to be a surrogate for income but for ministry.

Recently I started longing to be pregnant again. Not to have children of my own, but to carry a child. I was awoken one night and the Lord prompted me, ask ________ if they have considered a surrogate. It was one o’clock in the morning, I had looked at my phone. So the next day I texted my friend if she had considered this route when all the doors were being closed for her otherwise to have a child.

My friend, battling with the thought that she could not carry her own child or adopt had at that very moment God woke me up, been watching a surrogate story and said “God if this is your route send someone” and I said, ” Here I am!” And so with some fasting, prayer, direction from leadership and agreement with our spouses, we are beginning the most amazing journey of my… life together.

We still may run into some roadblocks. The doctors still have a few tests that may tell us no. But we are ready, willing and prayerfully able. I am so excited. She tends to hold her excitement in check for fear of disappointment.

I do have fears, many, but they are always silenced for the moment with, Lord if it is your will, it will happen. God can use our science to make amazing things happen and He can protect my body in the process.

I am so excited at this prospect! I just instantly tear up thinking about the joy of parenthood and the opportunity to be a part of the gift.

God is so good and I say, Yes Lord, use me!