Will you return to your mess?

Proverbs 26:11
As a dog returns to its vomit, so fools repeat their folly.

A few weeks ago this scripture came to me so clearly at church.

Why is it that we can gain victory in an area of our lives, only to open up the door for the enemy all over again? Often times, it is harder to break away the second , third or eighth time, when that door has been opened.

For myself I find if I keep opening the door again and again, it is because the root of the sin has not been dealt with. I will stop sinning in my bitterness, anger, gluttony, worry or whatever it is for a season, but I have not completely rid myself of it. So it sits below the surface and fester, waiting for another onslaught to rear its ugly head. The temptation will rise and I will entertain it rather than cutting it off at the root.

It has been time to CUT off that sin. Walk away from it. Turn away and change. This is what repentance really means. To turn away from. I can’t keep picking the same old hurtful habits back up again and again and expect a different result.

I do not want to be as a dog returning to its nasty vomit. I do not want to be the fool returning to my folly that drags me down and steals my life and abundant joy.

My prayer today is the Lord makes every hidden thing abundantly clear to me so that I will not miss the areas that are lurking. That He will continue to give me strength to walk in HIM and not my own ways of self-destruction. I was created to be more than a fool.





He calls the weak to the mighty

I was so blessed today when I got the text that my friends are able to move forward with their end of our surrogate journey. I know God called me, too much has lined up so perfectly for it not to be so. Yet my emotions rose on high with joy and excitement and then the enemy was right there to slam me with the low. Fears coming in and doubts of my own ability to see my end soundly through. What if my body lets them down? On and on the thoughts tried to rise up.

Honestly, with each doubt, the Lord was right there. The enemy said, “what if you have a hormone issue.” God said, ” Well, estrogen will fix this issue.”
The enemy said, “you are ill.” God said, ” I am your healer. I have used much less to do even greater.” On and on the Lord’s encouragement continued, followed by a boldness I have never known.

Even though the enemy throws daggers; over the years and through the depression I have learned that just because the enemy says it, does not mean that it becomes my truth. It does not matter if the perspective looks impossible, I serve a God of the possible. He is my strength and my shield.

God has a child/children that are to be born!  This journey is an amazing example of what truly laying our own lives down for His purpose looks like. The beauty that will unfold will leave me in awe and wonder.

Yes, Lord, I will. Not because I am anything special, in reality I am know that I am not, but because of who I know YOU to be and who I am because you are within me. I am a mighty warrior, that will be holding arrows within me that will move forth in your time to do great and mighty things. I will look back one day and say, “God, you made me able, not my own strength and I will never be the same.

This is a long road ahead. We will be fundraising and preparing both of our bodies. There are lawyers and tests and more tests. But I say yes Lord, continue to do miracles. We have seen SO many already !!!

When I am hormonal and need extra joy, I have a whole history of my joy journey already documented here…. I can read and read and read and see what the Lord ALREADY has done. I see that He is good and I want more. Thank you Lord for calling me, the weak, and making me strong!

Stop Hiding!

There is a very sore spot that the Lord had to heal in my life. I was unwanted by my biological family. I grew up knowing, and hearing the words straight from the mouth of my biological grandparent that I was not worth the investment of proving my paternity. My biological father, never wanted to reach out and learn about me, or respond to my efforts to know more about that part of my life.

Even though my Daddy that raised me from birth, poured into my life, was there for every moment and showed me I was treasured…the enemy kept poking at my self worth.

This aching spot, festered into my life for years. I was easily hurt and would then push people away, so that they couldn’t hurt me any deeper.

I was once at a gathering and two people I felt very close to, were wrapped up in their own situation and barely acknowledge that I had come over an hour away to spend time with them and although there was an apology later, I could not get over the pain that stabbed at my heart. Another time a dear friend came to town and it was over a week and a half before there was time to see me, a friend I had found of highest value and recently had driven 11 hours to go see.

I know that the hurt and offense lies on my shoulders, but immediately the enemy started in…”see another family doesn’t want you”, or “other friends find you of no value.” Even now those moments bring tears to my eyes because the hurt, had been so deep.

I began to push away, run away, hide. I felt it was easier to stay away and not invest, to only be hurt again. Then as I hid, I became depressed once again. There were the lies of the enemy daily attacking and as much as I would counter the lies with the word of God, there were moments in my weakened state that I believed those lies. I didn’t want to go to church, I didn’t want people over, I would hang out alone in my room with a book or movie and shut out the world. This my friends is how the enemy works. It is something that will immobilize your life, stop your production of great things…it is Isolation.

Isolation: : the state of being in a place or situation that is separate from others : the condition of being isolated

God himself said Genesis 2:18- it was not good for man to be alone. I truly believe that this goes farther than just the two at the Garden of Eden. For in the scriptures it also says, Hebrews 10:25- Do not forsake the gathering of the brethren, but encouraging one another, especially now that the day of His return is drawing near.

We are called to be an encouragement to others and to be encouraged by others! How can this be accomplished if we lock ourselves away because of hurts, depression, illness, anger, judgement, and the constant other onslaught tactics of the enemy?

Clearly He is not going to give up the pursuit of pushing you into isolation. How do we break out of the chains that are binding us in the situation?

For me, it was one step at a time. One healing moment at a time. First to recognize I had isolated myself, and then to cry out for His strength to break the pattern. I still fight the lies, I still fight the pain of illness, I still have the struggles, the difference is, now I FIGHT. I do not roll over in defeat and hide.

It could be so easy to justify closing my life off to others, but in reality, Isolation is of the enemy and robs us of the gift God gave us…. LOVE.

I will no longer let the lies, dictate my worth, my future, or my gifts… I must stand on the very fact that God’s truths are far more than enough! I will stop hiding!


A relevant past post – Hello?

My flesh …. was once the victor…. but not the final outcome!

I hit the wall again. I was so fearful that the past was going to repeat itself, when I woke up in pain all over my body. I cried out to God, “I thought I was beyond this! Please don’t allow me to regress! What is going on?” I cried in private, in front of my boss, and was embarrassed at such a weakened state.

I rested, and rested some more. I stretched slowly, watched my diet, used medication, muscle rubs, made sure to get my vitamins and slowly regained strength. I can sense that I am still unable to work like I had, I see it was sending me into a tail spin. I was not ready. Yet it really brought a full picture of what I was struggling with.

I was fleshing out. I was so burdened and in pain, that for a moment I quaked and allowed depression, despair and frustration to hang like a dark cloud on top of the light He placed in my life.

I find it interesting that we can walk in the flesh or walk in the Spirit. In the flesh, I wanted to completely give up. I am reminded of the scripture…
Galatians 5:17-  For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want.

I wanted to despair, complain, feel sorry for myself and fear. ALL these things are contrary to what is right in the spirit.

The meaning of FLESH-The soft substance of a human or animal.

Flesh is the SOFT part. The part that doesn’t want to contend, to fight, to stand for what freedom I have already gained. By walking in my flesh… I was soft.  Why wouldn’t the enemy want to keep me in that state? He would obtain all the victory. The victory over what God HAS done in me.

My flesh had won for a moment. I kicked and cried and screamed. Yet that is not the end of my story, my outcome is victory over the flesh and moment. I will rise up and sing, not because of my limits, but because of my opportunities and new strength.

Now, I will not be unwise with my abilities, BUT I will not let my spirit be weak because of  the condition of my body. I will walk not by sight, but by the SPIRIT of the Lord. I will walk confidently that He carries me and I would never ever go back to what I once was. He has done a work and isn’t near finished yet. He is SO good and I give Him all the glory. So for my fleshing out, whining, complaining, wanting to give up moment. I repent, and turn away from that lie. I will walk in HIS truth, and that is… He is an everlasting God and does not grow faint, He does not grow weary, He is the defender of the weak, and comforts those in need. He will lift me up and carry me and I can say …. “HE IS GOOD!”

My heart still grieves


I have found this remarkable gift, of walking in the fullness of God’s joy daily. I am blessed beyond measure, to have His presence.
But the remembrance dates hit and I am reminded of what was, or what could have been. I begin to miss the laughter and joys. I am reminded that it could have been their 36th wedding anniversary, or that He would have been 5 years old now, or that this father will miss his daughters graduation. The dates come and you remember that there is a wound there. It does not mean my joy has been robbed or that it is gone. But grief and sadness are a part of healing and life.

So how do I move on beyond the thought and the sadness? How do I make sure that the moment of memories or recollection, stay a moment of grief and not overtake my whole day, week, month or year?

Truly for everyone, the process will be different. In the beginning of my journey, I took my grief and wrapped it around myself like a big blanket. If I held on to it, I could allow it to become a part of my identity. I did not want to let go of being wounded. I was wounded darn it, I was hurting, I was depressed, robbed, broken-hearted and I wanted to hold on to it.  But there came a time, when I realized, I no longer wanted this heavy weight over me any more. I no longer wanted to be carried under the darkness. What had once been a comfort and a way to hold on, now was a burden.

I know some times when we do not have life fall into place like we had planned, we blame God. We don’t want to run to Him for our comfort, or to remove the blanket of sadness. But run to Him I did, for He was my life line. I learned how to trust. I learned how to walk boldly to His throne and declare my heart. I learned to sing and dance despite the moment.

So what happens when those ‘anniversary dates’ come around each year? Do I allow my joy to be robbed? Or do I sigh, acknowledge that God is still God and has done amazing things despite what has passed? I still hurt over loss, but it does not need to be my every day. Yes they would have been married 36 years, and we could have celebrated as my whole family as I always dreamed, and Yes, he would be 5 years old now, working with me in his homeschooling and discovering kindergarten things.  If I let my grief begin to  consume me again, then I am robbing those that are left behind, of all of me. My joy, peace, strength and energy are gifts to offer my family and friends now. I am done allowing them to be robbed of those gifts.

You will grieve and your time may have only started. But when the aching, life sucking grief is gone and only a small wound of emptiness. I encourage you, on those ‘anniversary dates’, don’t pick up that full pain, the gut wrenching stillness and all the burdens that go with it. Acknowledge the pain is there, and press on my loves…. press on~

Drama Drama Drama…..

I have noticed that many times, even when medication is adjusted, finances are going right, family is thriving, that depression still plagues some. I was pondering this just a few weeks ago. What is it that makes depression hang on, despite counseling, prayer, medication and other forms of ‘healthy’ pursuit of being depression free? Then it hit me, for some, depression is entertainment. ‘Drama’ is entertaining and ‘exciting’ for some people. In order to maintain the drama there is an onslaught of complaints, worries, anxieties, and ‘OMG’ moments.
If you are living in the drama state, no matter what you do to pursue your joy, you will not maintain it. It truly is about deciding to let it go, pick up joy DAILY and walk in it. I do know some are just designed, glass is half empty, Eeyore mentality, but the cycle can be broken. It takes work, a lot of work, but it can be done, I know!

I would never suggest getting off medication, or stop your counselling, or whatever medical pursuits you have been implementing to battle depression. But what I am suggesting is to break the never-ending cycle of drama. If horrible things keep happening, which I have been there done that, try to find thankful moments and not focus on the horrible things. It is very hard. I daily have to remind myself that I have broken this cycle, only to face the temptations again.

I had a very good friend tell me often, when he was discussing his health (he was critical), ” Now I am not going to have a pity party, it is what it is. I am alive right now!”  How that smacked me in the face, here I was complaining about not able to make the most recent bill, and he wasn’t going to complain that his health was declining to the point of saying his goodbyes!

I also had another friend tell me once, ” I don’t need everyone to know how I am truly feeling, That negative doesn’t need to be spoken out loud, or I will never feel better.” This friend was battling cancer.

You see the pattern here? They refused to focus on their situation. These two individuals were the most influential, joyful people I knew. I wanted that.

No matter how much medication you are on, or how much you pursue being joyful. If you are stuck on the negative in your life, or the drama so to speak, you will not get there. Each thing that is spoken, takes root. When you speak negative things out loud and focus on the things going wrong, it takes root in your heart. It stirs up anger, anxiety, frustration, desperation and those things lead to depression.

I understand sharing prayer requests, or being real with your friends, but don’t let it be your all. Make sure you are remember to be thankful, that your moment is not your forever and that you will not settle for defeat. I have fallen into this trap many times, when I have not spoken to my Bestie in awhile and all I do is vent. This is not healthy, this ‘drama’ to be interesting and to seek out advice, is not being life producing.  It is time to not allow ‘drama’ to be the entertainment that we seek. It will lead down a road to nowhere.

Drama mode, gives glory to the situations, and not on your victory. It puts the focus on the negative, rather than what could be, or what you do have. Drama, takes the eyes off of Jesus and what He has done. I am working on letting drama go daily and though I slip into my old routines, recognizing what I am doing, is the beginning to some new steps in this Sister’s pursuit of Joy!

Something to Ponder

There is constant bickering and opinions posted on Facebook. The government and religion/spirituality is the hottest topic of all. I see daily things that I do not agree with. Often there are video’s and messages posted, that if I let them can bring about fear, anger, sadness, or judgmental thoughts.

Recently there is a scripture that has been going around and around in my head. I can’t let it go. I see something that is unsettling, this scripture pops up. I hear bickering, this scripture pops up. I hear complaining, this scripture pops up.

 Philipians 4:8- 

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.

I now measure everything I spend my time on, by this standard. I understand I am human and I may flub up, but for the most part, I do not want to focus on things that are not good, right, lovely, honorable, or just.

I am well aware that to others, what is honorable and just will have different meaning. But to me, this means I will not look upon the things that bring about discord, disturbance in the spirit, anger, frustration, or fear.

Maybe this means my head is in the sand. I would rather believe it means my head is above, my sight on the one that reigns on high.

I will trust in Him, in HIs word and what I know to be true. I do not have to make sure that everyone agrees with me, or sees things my way. I am okay with the fact that we are all individuals. But, do not be offended if I do not have a sparing match over the issues.

May you be full of Joy as you think on heavenly things, as you think on the one that created you and loves you.

Blessings ~