I started my job, worked for two months and then quit my job. I went in feeling strong, but each day tore me down physically more. I wanted to push through the fatigue and pain, I wanted to be the marathon runner that reached the end of the race. I felt like a failure to have quit.
It has been two weeks now and I have noticed, those two months working really were a training time. I now have even more energy at home in my days than before I started the job. I have stepped away from the job making me ill and harming my body and my strength is returning and pain filled days are lessening. I now am in pursuit of writing and photography, as well as a part-time job. There is reason to hope for my future!
I see so much that I had learned in that very short time frame. I would never replace my meeting the co workers or my experience with the kids creating laughter and joy filled moments. The long drive to work in the AM listening to focus on the family on the radio had developed some extra wisdom and very healing God moments for me.
However even with a hope, there is one problem amidst all my revelation that I am called to not work full-time right now, there is no money at the end of the month. We are making ‘exactly’ our bills and not a penny more. While I should be thankful for that and I am , I am finding myself wanting to worry about the ‘needs’. The needs list is never-ending; Explorer needs fixed, the kids need school fees, we are thousands behind from the layoff and on and on the list goes. Oh, and did I mention groceries that are needed for 3 teen boys?
I find myself wanting to pick up worry, stress, doubt, depression, anger, frustration, self loathing and despair. I try to figure it all out in my own head, but there is truly no earthly answer.
It has dawned on me that my old fleshy habits have not died and yet here I was so very thankful just a few weeks ago. I now bring these things to attention, because I do not want to stay in my habits. Because I see them for what they are; fleshy old yucky habits, they have been exposed and I do not have to stay wallowing in them.
The awesome thing about failures as a human being. We can give them over to the Lord and He will perfect His work in us. His presence is enough to calm the frustrated heart, to give strength, to leave peace where worry once dwelt.
Whenever the enemy wants to come back at me with how my situation looks, I can remind Him what the word of God says. My God is enough, He supplies all my need, I do not need to fear or doubt but trust. I have victory over those past habits and even though they want to rise up, I don’t need to let them.
As hard as it can be at times and I want to pick up that old habit, I need to kill it and make sure it stays dead. I am a new creation! That joy has bubbled forth in me once and I don’t want to let the first trials coming along take it away. My joy is not dependant on the what if’s. My joy is in him. That is a habit I want daily! The habit of joy!
Challenge this day my friend: Be aware of your habits. Be aware of picking up wrong thinking or sinning again and address it. Take it to the one that can give you strength to develop the RIGHT habits.
Ephesians 4:22- 24
You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.