Me a murderer?

So the last blog I mentioned having joy and joy that may be FULL.
So here is that scripture I referred to.

John 15:10-11

10.If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commandments and abide in his love.  11. These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full.

Do you notice the words ‘if you keep my commandments’? I can honestly say that in my heart of the deepest depression, I thought I was keeping the commandments of the Lord. But during self-examination I saw first hand where I was not. As I completely rooted out disobedience in my life in one area, I would then have to root out another area.

It is very clear that obedience to the Lord leads to life to the full!

So let’s look at the commandment…. Thou shalt not kill.
This is a big one, what many would consider the biggest, even though not one sin is bigger than another. But you know what, I dealt with this one!

I would say to myself. I have not killed anyone! But is it not true that God looks at the condition of the heart? In my heart was I a murderer? To put it simply, yes I was.

I was so angry and hurt by an individual that was in our life for a season, I would have murdered them if it was not a sin, if I could get away with it, and the majority of the world would completely understand how I could, and may even justify such a thing for me.

Now I was walking around blindly thinking that I was not a murderer, yet in my heart the same darkness was there. Yes I could not ever act on it, but that desire drove me farther away from joy.

I had to recognize it for what it was; rebellion, hatred, bitterness, anger, unforgiveness and despair.

It does not matter the heinous act this individual had committed against our family. I could not focus on what I felt they deserved. I had to let it go.

How did I do this? Well, it was two-fold. One, I had to imagine this individual as a little child facing the same kind of terror that formed them into what they had become in adulthood. I had to recognize that they were empty, without a relationship with the Lord.

Two, I had to recognize that God loves ALL. And even though He loves all, ALL have sinned. This individual continuing in their life of sin, I know the word says vengeance is mine saith the Lord. I had to recognize that God was in control of this individual. He would be held accountable for his actions. I did not have to ‘do’ anything. I did not have to hold on to anything. I could let it go and it was okay, actually healthy to do so.

Be aware my friends there may be times in your life that you think you are blameless in a certain obedience to the Lord, but the very root of it is still there, zapping the joy from you.

Let’s look at some of the commandments to obey…

Love the Lord with all your heart.

Seek first the kingdom of God.

Love your neighbor as yourself.

How about the 10 commandments ???

I am not bringing these things to attention to condemn. But to make us more aware. To open our eyes to areas that we may have strongholds holding us back from fullness of joy. And to be very real with you, that I am human, I have struggled, I have hated…and I have repented and turned away from that grief and heartache. The Joy has returned. This was the start but each day there was another lesson in the journey

Why Joy?

 

To begin with I am in no way against medication for depression that a doctor may have prescribed. I tried medication and the side effects were unbearable physically for me, but I do know that there are people that have success with medication when clinically depressed.

In my darkest hours of my life, I tried doctors, I tried shaking myself up, I tried snapping out of it… to no avail I had become depressed, suicidal depressed!

 I was completely miserable in my fibro pain and fog. I was depressed over various life issues and loss.  Challenges and burdens kept increasing one by one rather than lifting. I was not doing anything different in my life. I was seeking the Lord, praising Him, serving Him, but there was something wrong. I was lacking His joy and my circumstances were dictating my ‘feelings’. 
 

 So as I cried out to God it my greatest time of need, He revealed to me that I needed to seek Joy. Not joy in the sense of happiness but His fullness of Joy, the gift of abundance that He had for me.
I began writing this blog to work my way through depression and seek joy. Why do I find it important to have joy?

It is important that we do not live a life of despair. Jesus came that we may have life to the full.

I honestly have learned over time, that there is a difference between being joyful (feelings) and having a fullness of joy (heart condition). A deep seeded joy that can rise up at any time in any circumstance is a fullness of joy. Not letting your circumstances dictate your joy, is having a fullness of joy. There will be weeping for a night, but your joy can come in the morning. There is a season of grief, but depression has no place in our life. 

The word says that Jesus came so that we may have life and have it to the full. I do not believe that means we will have everything handed to us, never face any trials or that we will be covered in great wealth. God has a different plan for each and every life and each person’s ‘full’ will be different.  What I do know is that the word also says the joy of the Lord is our strength. 

The Joy of the Lord is something that our Father offers us, and we have the right to take that treasure. But how do we do that in the midst of illness, loss, burdens, sadness, despair, financial crisis, broken relationships and lack of self worth?

As I prayed and sought the Lord, He revealed areas in my life and in others lives that may be preventing us from living life full of His joy. It is my desire, to take what the enemy meant to harm me, grow stronger and walk in FULLNESS of JOY and share the glimpses of revelation that the Lord had blessed me with in the midst of trial and storms.

Take this journey to joy with me! Let us share our burdens with one another, lift each other up and have FULLNESS of Joy. 

John 15:10-11

If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commandments and abide in his love.

These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full.

 

(ESV)

Final Alarm

Just last Saturday we had a houseful. The highway noise is rarely heard, but there were sirens. The sirens were loud, and many. Our guest asked if we had heard the sirens often in our location and my husband answered yes, and we moved on to our evening.

A few years back, whenever I heard a siren or came across an accident I would pray. I would pray for those involved and effected. I would pray for the hands of the diligent emergency workers and for wisdom of doctors if they became needed. I would pray for the peace of the individual in crises and for the recovery to be swift.

Since living here, I am so so sad to say, we had become complacent to the sound of sirens. We hear them all the time, and most often they lead to nothing overly unsafe. We hear sirens for the typical traffic ticket or small incident as well as the big.

My heart breaks to report, on this particular Saturday, at this particular time, a Junior High School student had been in an accident. He had lost control of his car and the result was a fire, that was too much for the emergency personnel to contend with.

When I heard the news my heart broke, for the parents, our community and the young life lost. I do not know the boy personally, yet I know so many that knew him and loved him and regardless…. one young life lost, no matter who, can be a tragedy.

I felt so bad, that we had went on with our guests and did not stop at that moment to pray. I do know from experience prayer makes a difference. I also know that the difference is not always what we hope to see, but it is worth lifting our petition to the Lord. To stop and step out of ‘our’ moment and take time for the moment of others.

The sirens and the missed opportunity to pray for this young man, the emergency workers, the parents has left me reflecting on one simple fact now.

How often am I complacent to the call of God? I have heard the Holy Spirit (the voice of the Lord) and I have become so accustom to the fact that we have time or I will get to it, whatever ‘it’ may be, that I do not always act immediately.

If the Lord called me to leave my city, as He did Lot and his wife to flee the city of Sodom and Gomorrah, would I flee? Would I heed that final warning? Am I truly listening or just so used to the alarm of many, that amount to nothing,  that I am not hearing the fullness of the call from the Lord himself.

It is time to truly evaluate. How is the Lord calling me, to be all he created me to be and am I ready to listen, to actually hear and take action?

I do not want to let opportunities to make a difference, slip through my fingers. I find the ones He loves, far too valuable, and I know He hears the cry of His children. I choose this day to hear the cry of my Lord and say… “YES I hear you!”

“Are we done yet?”

Yesterday in the mall, I saw a tiny little girl probably in her early 2′s standing in the middle of the walkway, just staring. I stopped to make sure an adult was around and about ten feet away, facing her was her mother. I noticed the mother said, “let’s go”, with a firm but soft voice.
Then tears and screams began, and I could tell they  had been going through this session for a bit of time. The mother was standing there watching and waiting for her daughter.

I went into a coffee shop, and heard a man say, “Yes, the little one has been throwing this fit for some time. Mom is just calmly waiting for her to be done.”

I didn’t stick around to see the final outcome, but I could see from the determination on the mother’s face and the level of patience, that she was in for the long haul. What is amazing also, is the reaction of everyone around. We all knew this was a valuable lesson, she was teaching her daughter, and she had the patience to do it.

This mama would wait until her daughter was done. Her daughter would need to move forward, towards her mother, with her own two feet.

I got an image of God looking at me in just the same way. I am in the midst of my whining and temper throwing fit, and he calmly waits and says, “are we done yet?”

It isn’t until my eyes are removed from what I wanted or the situations around me, and my feet walk towards the Lord and His guided steps for my life, that I see freedom.

There is truly complete Joy, when I walk beside the Lord rather than fighting Him. I see a sweet fruit, that struggling, grumbling, complaining, kicking and screaming, just will not bring about.

God is so awesome and good enough to just wait, and quietly ask now and then, “are we done yet?”  And there is always that moment when I am exhausted from fighting the circumstances and myself and say, “Yes Lord! I am done. Hold me and show me. I will come with you instead of fighting you. I want the life you have for me!”

John 8:12-

When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”

 

Why settle?

My hubby and I try to make it a point to have date nights now and then. On these nights, there always comes the question, ” where do you want to eat?”

Which is immediately followed by us looking at each other and saying, “the same!”

We love one restaurant in particular in our area. The food is always amazing, the staff are kind, and we always walk away completely at ease and feeling rather spoiled.

Every now and then we will try to think of a different option for our date nights, thinking we need something new,  and then end up sadly disappointed.

There have been times we tried somewhere new and even though the food looked fantastic, it was lacking, or staff was rude and slow, rather than friendly and attentive.

I was reflecting on our last date night, and how awesome it was and ask, “why would we ever want to settle for less?

I am reminded that when we come to the Lord with our pains and our hurts, He is the perfect source. He is all we need. There is no one or anything else that can measure up. There is no reason to go running around thinking I can find better, because He is greater!

Sure there are different religions, people, money, medication, drugs, alcohol and other outlets that people may run to for healing or relationship, but ultimately these things far pale in comparison to our Jesus.
He is the best source. He is the complete source. There is no reason to go running into other directions for the release of pain, anger, confusion, hatred, or have all your needs and cares met. Jesus provided the way to all of God’s promises for His children, to live life to the full, in abundance, free from all the burdens of sin.

We may have to wait for the perfection and completion, that God has for us. Just as we have to wait for our fine chef to prepare the meal. But it will be complete, it will be perfect at just the right time. Hold on, trust and don’t settle for anything less !

It is so important with all the options we have in the culture today, that we do not fall in the trap of running after the next ‘best’ thing, or allowing sin in our life to fix the hurts that only Jesus can fix.

There are times left over root is still there festering, if we try to cut off the weeds  from the top,without dealing with things at the source. We must uproot the garbage and only God knows us well enough to know what the full need is and how to deal with them completely. He is the perfect and only true option for completeness and living life to the FULL.

2 Samuel 7:22-

“How great you are, Sovereign Lord! There is no one like you, and there is no God but you, as we have heard with our own ears.

Harvest

When I was a preteen, I stayed a few days at my aunt’s house and she had a bookshelf of books.

There was one book I picked up by Barbara Johnson.  The way she wrote kept me interested and the topic was joy. At the time I read this book I was not depressed, I simply read the book because I was enjoying it. I put it back on the shelf when it was finished and this began my love of reading.  

I was reflecting back on the influences in my life and recollected how reading that book years ago  had planted seeds in my life. When going through the darkest depression ever more than 20 years later, I believe those seeds that were planted and rooted long ago, had developed and began to shoot forth in my spirit at the time I needed them most. 

I began Writing For Joy, in pursuit of fullness of joy, and forgot that I had been feeding myself teachings on joy, little by little over the years. Joyce Meyers authored a few of some integral seed planting books, that I had read as well.  Those books too, were seeds that had been planted in my early years of marriage and through the season of  a harried homeschooling mama. 

Now all those seeds planted, have grown and I have been spending my days harvesting them. Wrapping my mind around joy and how it applies to me today.

It is so important that we are aware of what we are planting in our Spirit. What sort of harvest do we want to be able to gather when we are hungriest?  Do we want to gather things of this world that promote death, or do we want to be able to gather life? 

There is a reason the scriptures use sowing, reaping, planting, gathering, and harvest. There are many ways that you can see these concepts coming into fruition even in these days. It still applies even with all the technology, all the running after ourselves and craziness of these times. It is still the same today; that if I plant an apple seed, I will get an apple tree. I will not get an apple tree if I plant weeds.  Just as I will not gain life from planting garbage.

Now it wasn’t me, that made these seeds grow. It was the Lord doing a work in me. Yet if I plant the wrong things in my time, there is no good seed for the Lord to grow. There is work required from us to reap a good harvest and a trusting that the Lord will cultivate it! 

I did not see the results of the planting when I thought I would, it came as a surprise when the Lord was finished with His care of it. Even when it had grown and was ready for harvest it took awhile for my slow mind to comprehend what He had done. But now I see His hand, I see His work and it is encouragement to keep going forth planting life, so that He may have His way.

Spring is getting close and I can just now imagine all the great seeds to plant and prepare for harvest, may I also be thinking about what I plant in my spirit. 

Galatians 6:7-8

 Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life.

 

He gives and takes away

Let me state right now, that this is my honest opinion on revelation for my own life. I am not finger pointing, but this post is based on my experience and what I feel has been revealed to me. Maybe this will bless others, or not, but definitely is necessary for me on my journey of joy.

In the bible Job was taken through the ringer. God allowed Satan to test Job. Satan was allowed to take from Job, but not allowed to have Job’s life.  Job continued to serve the Lord.

In the bible there was a rich man that would not enter the kingdom of heaven because he would not lay all his worldly riches down for the Lord.

In the bible  Jesus used two fish to feed the multitudes.

Do I believe the bible? Yes. Have I seen over and over in my own life the difference that the Holy Spirit makes? Yes. Do I believe God is more than capable to sweep in and use His hand to change my circumstances? Yes. Yet sometimes even though He is capable, He does not move the way I expected. Whether it be a trial and testing season, or sin in the heart that needs to be dealt with, or just life in general, we go through pain and it hurts.

That being said, today I realized how incredibly shallow I have been over the years and had to repent.

To those that had to hear me vent about loosing my house, the incredibly tight income, the repossession of my car, while your heart was breaking, I sincerely repent!

Reflecting today, I truly do see the Lord’s hand in removing those things from my life. I don’t blame the enemy. The Lord knows me better than I know myself and those things were taking precedence. I was more concerned about making  the next house payment than I was the condition of my neighbors heart ( these neighbors in particular were ones you loved because the Lord says you should, but I didn’t like them much).

I didn’t like my neighbor, I liked my bills being paid.

I don’t say this lightly. I am thankful that I have been given much and had much taken. I never trusted the Lord so much in my life, than I do right now. Waiting day to day for the next bill to be paid.

I have grumbled and complained over material things and feel truly chastised for it.

But with the Lord’s correction comes love and grace, when I repent and turn away from my rebellion and wrong doing.

Just like if I saw my own children, being ungrateful and self absorbed I would step in, for their benefit, so my heavenly father has loved me enough to step into my life and remove the things that were not of Him.

Now I am not saying a home and a nice car can’t be from the Lord, but I do know they were things I had been chasing, and that is not His plan. It isn’t about whether I own a home or not, it is an issue with the condition of my heart.

It was time to stop and evaluate this week, what else does the Lord need to take away. I walk this journey, lighter, and blessed greatly that He cares enough to instruct and speak to me on the matters of the heart.

The correction left me humble. I sincerely thought chasing that dream was okay. It is not okay when material possessions consume your time and energy.

The enemy would try to condemn me, but the Lord convicted and I repented, I don’t need to hold onto my past sin, but look forward to what He has next now that it has been dealt with.

Hebrews 12:5-6

⁵ And have you completely forgotten this word of encouragement that addresses you as a father addresses his son? It says,

“My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline,
and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,
 because the Lord disciplines the one he loves,
and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son.”

Why Do I Blog?

I am following a blog page called Faithful Bloggers. The page has a group writing project titled: “Why Do You Blog?”

Of course this writing project prompted my thinking. Why did I start this blog? What is my hope and goal for my blog?

Well of course in my fantasy world, my six consistent daily readers would turn into thousands. I would begin to figure out how to make an income with this blog so that being unable to work out of the home would not be a financial burden, and with many readers perhaps I would feel like I accomplish something with my efforts.

However, I have two real down to earth reasons for blogging:

1. Blogging is an outlet to see where I have been and where I am going.
Gone are the days of spending weeks in bed, depressed and consumed with pain. I began blogging to pursue joy in the midst of Fibromyalgia’s pain, fog and depression.

Since those beginning days,  I have a renewed hope, joy and peace. Daily depression is no longer a part of my life and the pain is no longer taking my life away from me. Yes, I have made adjustments but I am no longer bound by this illness to the point of being locked away. As I blog and put my jumbled crazy thoughts into writing, I can keep my mind focused on truth rather than the lies that the enemy would have me believe. Blogging puts things in proper perspective for me. I can see first hand what is on my mind as I write and have a heart check as I ‘preach’ to the choir.

2. I write for others that may be struggling on this journey of life at times as well. I have ran into so many well meaning Christian friends and family members that act like depression or illness was my fault and I had to snap out of it. I have heard hurtful things that were said to others in the midst of their depression. I was afraid to admit where I was at, for fear that they would try to speak me out of it without any real thought or instruction. I understand the struggle of depression, I understand the steps to victory and freedom, I understand it is a daily sometimes minute to minute, conscious decision to walk in your freedom and it doesn’t just go away on it’s own. Joy must be received, and pursued.  True joy, comes from the Lord and resides in you, regardless of the craziness that life may throw.
Just telling someone be happy, get over it,  or God gave you victory, when they are in the midst of the worst depression in their life, without the steps and directions on how to obtain victory, is not helpful.
I began a journey of pursuit on my own, as the Lord lead me and directed me. In the beginning, He showed me practical ways for joy, that anyone can obtain, even an unbeliever  As I progressed in my walk, He showed me the difference between joy and lack of depression that anyone can have, and the fullness of joy that only a child of God can have. I desire to bless and encourage others on their journeys to a complete healing of depression, fullness of GOD Joy.

 I am finding from a few letters of encouragement, that this journey I am on, has blessed others as well. I am not in this battle for my joy all alone, there are others that struggle and need to actively seek joy as well and even though I am not a theologian or doctor, I desire to share what has worked for me.

This is the heart of Writing For Joy in a nutshell. I do not know where the Lord will take this blog, but I know where He has taken me and I am truly blessed. Even if just one life has been changed, the Lord has done His work in me. His joy is fresh and new every morning. He is my reason.

Psalm 30:5
For his anger lasts only a moment,
but his favor lasts a lifetime!
Weeping may last through the night,
but joy comes with the morning.

Choose Joy

I began this blog, what now seems like a lifetime ago. I desired to reach out to others dealing with depression, pain, frustration and just the crappy side of living on this earth. But more than anything I wanted to obtain fullness of joy. I am not a doctor or a theologian. I am a woman, a daughter, a wife, a mother, a child of God that was struggling and began my journey, knowing God promises more.

I pursued  joy, because living in my situation and being depressed was not an option for me. It should not be an option for anyone. To stay in the depths of depression is to be defeated and we are not called to be people of defeat. I knew all the head knowledge, but had to start applying that knowledge and opening my heart to letting the transformation take place.

I can honestly say that my heart is full of joy, and when depression starts to rise up, it is no longer placed in my life for days, months or weeks at a time. It is a moment and dealt with swiftly. I will not go back to what I once was. I have been made new.

I am using this particular blog to sum up, the lessons and ways that pursuing joy, has met me where I was at and surpassed anything I could have expected. I am sure there are a million other lists and suggestions just like this, but this is my journey and I need to remember how I got to where I am. I need to remember to never return to that which I was.

MY JOURNEY TO JOY

• Changing my thought pattern
  
• Not letting my circumstances  stop me from pursuing my dreams
• Doing for the  lives of others
• Learning the meaning of LOVE
• Being myself and letting go of judgement
• Changing wrong  habits
• Discovering beauty in all seasons
• Surrendering to the Lord
• Discovering my treasures
• Praising the Lord in the storm
• Knowing who I am
• Having a vision and hope for my future
• Going to the right source
• Evaluating the sin in my life
• Forgiving others, knowing the offender and the situation is in the Lord’s hands
• Letting go of comparing and coveting
  

There is much more I have blogged, and thought on, but these are the most relevant areas that I link to a fullness of joy taking root in my life.

I am aware I have my faults and I trust the Lord will keep revealing areas that need more work. I am never going to be finished, He is constantly speaking into my heart.

I am aware of the past and ready to leave the ‘junk’ in the past.

I am at the point of not being bound and held back by my limitations, trusting that God’s best is mine.
I have hope for my future.

I have found JOY.

Beauty

“I don’t think of all the misery, but of the beauty that still remains.” 
― Anne Frank, The Diary of a Young Girl

I can not focus on the heartache, the heartbreak, the failings, the fear. If a girl that has seen such horror in her lifetime can find beauty, who am I to wallow in my little bit of tragedy. 

There is beauty all around me during my day. I only have to stop, take a moment and notice it. 

The measure of beauty comes in many different forms. We look to the beauty of our surroundings, the beauty in the heart of a generous and kind human, the beauty in a flower, the beauty in a newborn baby or the changing seasons.

The Lord is ever faithful. Always there waiting for me. I do not need to weep because of what has happened, I can rejoice that there is good, there is beauty and I am never alone.

As I grow older, my body changes; the scale keeps going up, my teeth damaged over time and my hair is more brittle with traces of gray. Media would have me look at what the world thinks beauty is and measure myself with the same scrutiny  As a young girl I never measured up. I certainly do not now. I can not look to the beauty of my day, to meet me in the mirror. My beauty is not outward, but will come from within.

I can not expect to be healthy by eating junk food. I can not expect my inner soul to be beautiful if I am feeding it the tragedy, sorrow and lies thrown my way. 

I must feed myself the word of God, build the  intimacy with my Lord through prayer and worship, I must rejoice, I must stop and look at the beauty that He provides.

The beauty in the morning, the next day and the next is always there, waiting to be discovered. 

May I always remember to stop and find it! What beauty have you found lately?

2 Corinthians 4:16-

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.